asking and receiving

[jay]

At one point today, I went to the office of the principal investigator of the largest drilling-automation project... she and I discussed our project goals and milestones, and eventually budgets. She promised that I'd have at least $40-50K/yr, possibly more out of reserves and educational outreach.

Last Friday, I was given $100K to cover labor support on my vehicle health management program. In both of these cases, I was initially rebuffed, but persistently returned and made a case. And was ultimately successful in gaining funding for my projects and support for my staff.

I wonder why I can do this successfully for others or for projects, but not for myself... it is OK to be patient and persistent and *ask* for things for my projects. Initial rejection is shrugged off as due to their current circumstances or a lack of full understanding of the merits of whatever I'm proposing. I don't take it as a personal referendum.

Conversely, on a personal, social level, it takes me a long time to ask for *anything*... it seems selfish, somehow. Or self-centered. Why should I bother others? I don't even ask patgreene for things, and we've been together for years. And initial rejection feels like a final, immutably-negative evaluation of my worth as a person. It is a personal judgement that threatens my core sense of self. So I almost never dare to ask for anything personal, unless I think I have a really good chance of agreement *and* it doesn't seem like much of a bother to whomever I'm asking. I strive to avoid asking for help in anything unless I'm desperate or the help is trivial.

And the implications of this asking-dichotomy in my relationships are probably evident... I am much bolder and self-assured in the workplace than outside it, for one thing.

Comments

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

A very good thing to have recognized about yourself. I think if you can carry some of that self-confidence over into your personal life, you'll find it smooths things quite a lot. I know the less I make any "rejection" (a loaded term in itself) "mean something about ME," the better a chance there is that the answer might be YES in the future.

[boubabe.livejournal.com]

This echoes very familiar feelings of my own. I'm absolutely terrible at asking for anything. I, too, have to learn that it is okay to persue things for myself, either in the workplace or in my social/family life. I think the reason for this is because I am fairly easygoing so I can get by on what I am given, but there is also a less healthy part of me that feels not only like I don't need more but that I don't deserve more.

[kiya]

Meh -- you are me and I claim our five pounds.

I don't know how to fix it either.

It's hard. I find it's like rolling a big rock uphill, it takes a huge energy investment to get that boulder up to the point at which I can push it down the other side, that I can ask.

And more often than not, because of that, if the answer isn't "Yes", I fall on my face and hurt something.

Which makes the next damn rock that much heavier . . . .

Meh!

[technomom]

If you figure out how to get better at this, please share. Neither I nor sambear are good about asking for anything in our personal lives. *hugs*