asking and receiving
Jan. 28th, 2003 08:04 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jayAt one point today, I went to the office of the principal investigator of the largest drilling-automation project... she and I discussed our project goals and milestones, and eventually budgets. She promised that I'd have at least $40-50K/yr, possibly more out of reserves and educational outreach.
Last Friday, I was given $100K to cover labor support on my vehicle health management program. In both of these cases, I was initially rebuffed, but persistently returned and made a case. And was ultimately successful in gaining funding for my projects and support for my staff.
I wonder why I can do this successfully for others or for projects, but not for myself... it is OK to be patient and persistent and *ask* for things for my projects. Initial rejection is shrugged off as due to their current circumstances or a lack of full understanding of the merits of whatever I'm proposing. I don't take it as a personal referendum.
Conversely, on a personal, social level, it takes me a long time to ask for *anything*... it seems selfish, somehow. Or self-centered. Why should I bother others? I don't even askpatgreene for things, and we've been together for years. And initial rejection feels like a final, immutably-negative evaluation of my worth as a person. It is a personal judgement that threatens my core sense of self. So I almost never dare to ask for anything personal, unless I think I have a really good chance of agreement *and* it doesn't seem like much of a bother to whomever I'm asking. I strive to avoid asking for help in anything unless I'm desperate or the help is trivial.
And the implications of this asking-dichotomy in my relationships are probably evident... I am much bolder and self-assured in the workplace than outside it, for one thing.
Last Friday, I was given $100K to cover labor support on my vehicle health management program. In both of these cases, I was initially rebuffed, but persistently returned and made a case. And was ultimately successful in gaining funding for my projects and support for my staff.
I wonder why I can do this successfully for others or for projects, but not for myself... it is OK to be patient and persistent and *ask* for things for my projects. Initial rejection is shrugged off as due to their current circumstances or a lack of full understanding of the merits of whatever I'm proposing. I don't take it as a personal referendum.
Conversely, on a personal, social level, it takes me a long time to ask for *anything*... it seems selfish, somehow. Or self-centered. Why should I bother others? I don't even ask
patgreene for things, and we've been together for years. And initial rejection feels like a final, immutably-negative evaluation of my worth as a person. It is a personal judgement that threatens my core sense of self. So I almost never dare to ask for anything personal, unless I think I have a really good chance of agreement *and* it doesn't seem like much of a bother to whomever I'm asking. I strive to avoid asking for help in anything unless I'm desperate or the help is trivial.And the implications of this asking-dichotomy in my relationships are probably evident... I am much bolder and self-assured in the workplace than outside it, for one thing.
no subject
Date: 2003-01-29 01:18 am (UTC)I don't know how to fix it either.
It's hard. I find it's like rolling a big rock uphill, it takes a huge energy investment to get that boulder up to the point at which I can push it down the other side, that I can ask.
And more often than not, because of that, if the answer isn't "Yes", I fall on my face and hurt something.
Which makes the next damn rock that much heavier . . . .
Meh!
no subject
Date: 2003-01-30 09:10 pm (UTC)if the answer isn't "Yes", I fall on my face and hurt something.
Or the rock rolls backwards over me, back down the hill, dragging me behind it.
Meh, indeed. :-|