asking and receiving
Jan. 28th, 2003 08:04 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jayAt one point today, I went to the office of the principal investigator of the largest drilling-automation project... she and I discussed our project goals and milestones, and eventually budgets. She promised that I'd have at least $40-50K/yr, possibly more out of reserves and educational outreach.
Last Friday, I was given $100K to cover labor support on my vehicle health management program. In both of these cases, I was initially rebuffed, but persistently returned and made a case. And was ultimately successful in gaining funding for my projects and support for my staff.
I wonder why I can do this successfully for others or for projects, but not for myself... it is OK to be patient and persistent and *ask* for things for my projects. Initial rejection is shrugged off as due to their current circumstances or a lack of full understanding of the merits of whatever I'm proposing. I don't take it as a personal referendum.
Conversely, on a personal, social level, it takes me a long time to ask for *anything*... it seems selfish, somehow. Or self-centered. Why should I bother others? I don't even askpatgreene for things, and we've been together for years. And initial rejection feels like a final, immutably-negative evaluation of my worth as a person. It is a personal judgement that threatens my core sense of self. So I almost never dare to ask for anything personal, unless I think I have a really good chance of agreement *and* it doesn't seem like much of a bother to whomever I'm asking. I strive to avoid asking for help in anything unless I'm desperate or the help is trivial.
And the implications of this asking-dichotomy in my relationships are probably evident... I am much bolder and self-assured in the workplace than outside it, for one thing.
Last Friday, I was given $100K to cover labor support on my vehicle health management program. In both of these cases, I was initially rebuffed, but persistently returned and made a case. And was ultimately successful in gaining funding for my projects and support for my staff.
I wonder why I can do this successfully for others or for projects, but not for myself... it is OK to be patient and persistent and *ask* for things for my projects. Initial rejection is shrugged off as due to their current circumstances or a lack of full understanding of the merits of whatever I'm proposing. I don't take it as a personal referendum.
Conversely, on a personal, social level, it takes me a long time to ask for *anything*... it seems selfish, somehow. Or self-centered. Why should I bother others? I don't even ask
patgreene for things, and we've been together for years. And initial rejection feels like a final, immutably-negative evaluation of my worth as a person. It is a personal judgement that threatens my core sense of self. So I almost never dare to ask for anything personal, unless I think I have a really good chance of agreement *and* it doesn't seem like much of a bother to whomever I'm asking. I strive to avoid asking for help in anything unless I'm desperate or the help is trivial.And the implications of this asking-dichotomy in my relationships are probably evident... I am much bolder and self-assured in the workplace than outside it, for one thing.
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no subject
Date: 2003-01-29 08:11 am (UTC)What about approaching pretty girls seems tantamount to facing polar bears? What does it "say about you" if one said "I really can't right now"? (grin) And I'm fine if you'd rather answer that either a) not at all, or b) in private e-mail.
Gotta take Allegra to school. I HATE Wednesdays!
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2003-01-31 12:03 am (UTC)I'm not sure when things changed, but they definitely did.
Does that mean that the polarity changed (i.e., career-asking used to be easier than personal/social-asking) or simply that career-asking became much harder?
approaching pretty girls seems tantamount to facing polar bears
(chuckle) I think I'll make that one a separate posting...
What does it "say about you"
Heh. (grin)
It could say one of several things or nothing about me, depending on the underlying meaning... interpreted by inflection, emphasis, body language and attitude, I guess.
If the pretty girl's emphasis was on "I *really* can't...", with no future indication of change, then it sounds like "no, not ever, but I'm letting you down easily." In which case it would say that I'm less interesting/attractive/compatible than any other people with whom the given pretty girl socializes or will in the future. In that particular person's judgement...
If the emphasis was on "...*can't* right now", it might reflect purely external circumstances (and hence say little about me) or a desire to gather more information (in which case I *might* be interesting, but will need to be more accessible before being welcomed as a friend).
If there were a pause before "... __right now," then it would sound like the pretty girl is actually somewhat interested but too busy to do anything at the moment. In which case, it would actually say something mildly positive about me, as viewed by the pretty girl.
So there are multiple interpretations of the same few, simple words that could say vastly-different things about me (or nothing about me at all...). But YMMV ... it is all guesswork.