(no subject)

[jay]

Borrowed from a friend...


"If I believe that I am unworthy of being loved, then I can prevent my feelings of total devastation when I am rejected."

Yes, that's it exactly. Rules to live by. But I think if one lets go of those defenses, every oncoming rejection would be like being the proverbial deer in the headlights.

I needed to prove myself to the world in order to have value, in order to be worthy of love.

Check. Over-achievement at work, external praise, competency outside. Then see if it wins anyone's favor. Another fundamental SOP. Doesn't work in the personal realm because there's no way to prove myself worthy, no awards or merit badges. (ref: my Jekyll/Hyde thread 2 weeks ago)

Thanks to circusscreamer for the quotes (and stimulus of these insights)...

Comments

[minnaleigh.livejournal.com]

There's a measure that is used to evaluate social anxiety and I took a pretest and then a posttest. After 20 weeks of therapy, my scores dropped immensely on all parts of the test. Most significant to me, though, was the difference in how I felt. I went back to Edmonton after session 19. While I was there, I made conversation with strangers in the folkfest line. I initiated conversations and chatted happily with people I had never met before. Even with people that I find intimidating because of their sheer coolness. I flirted with Dar Williams from the front row of the session she was in! And then, when I got her to sign my CD later that day and she remembered me, I wasn't the least bit embarrased or flustered. Most significant to me was that the edge of insecurity that I have always had with respect to my relationship with Jennie was 100% gone. The lack of it was such a relief!

I had full confidence that the therapy would help. I'd done my research on methods of therapy and on the therapist and everything and I knew it would help. I didn't anticipate that it would make so much of a difference. There were some things that I hadn't even realized were difficult for me until they became easier. It amazes me almost every day.

You and I have some similarities in our problems. Just like you, I functioned perfectly well in work-related situations but faltered in purely social situations. I had insecurities relating to the 'cool kids' that dated back to my youth. I had issues with believing in my attractiveness to other people. I love social contact but didn't feel competent at it. I believed fully that I was seriously flawed and unlovable. Any of that sound familiar? I really think you could benefit from some kind of similar therapy- specifically the attacking automatic thought and the core beliefs parts, although the successes in experiments really helped cement in good thoughts about myself when I did them. The thing is, though, that success in this kind of therapy requires effort. You only get out of it what you put into it. If you're actually interested in pursuing it, I'd be glad to talk more with you about it and to ask my ex-therapist for recommendations for a therapist in your area. I'll answer questions here, in email, or even by phone or in person next time you're in the area. And if you go ahead, I'll listen and be supportive as you attempt the therapy. But I have absolutely no patience for arguing or listening to you being self-defeating. Just to warn you up front. Because my reaction to you when you are self-pitying or self-defeating is to say (to my computer because I didn't feel like saying it to you would make any difference) "I just worked my *ass* off for 5 months to make my life better! Do something about your life or shut the fuck up about it already!" I think I'm like an ex-smoker- I have less patience than someone who was never in your position. I am more than willing to help you out, though, if you actually want help.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Any of that sound familiar?

Most of it, sure... I don't feel that I'm unlovable, but most of the rest of it is true.

chatted happily with people I had never met before.

(smile) that's great! Especially since you sound like you could do so while relaxed.

The lack of it was such a relief!

Excellent, and reassuring... but I don't understand the connection between social anxiety and the strength of your relationship with Jennie... unless by doing the therapy, you gained her approval, and hence felt more secure afterward.

I hadn't even realized were difficult for me until they became easier

Okay... hard to imagine, but I'll take your word on it.

You only get out of it what you put into it.

My own experience with therapy is that even that is optimistic... if I could convince myself that it was actually likely to show results, I'd be doing it now. If I could find someone in the area that took Blue Cross...

or shut the fuck up about it already!

At others' behest (mostly Jennie ;), I've started putting my more emotional, introspective or whiny posts behind warning tags... I hope that that has helped a bit. Thanks...

[minnaleigh.livejournal.com]

but I don't understand the connection between social anxiety and the strength of your relationship with Jennie... unless by doing the therapy, you gained her approval, and hence felt more secure afterward.

At its heart, social anxiety is often about the fear of rejection. The same insecurities about myself that made it difficult to meet someone new made me worry that Jennie would leave me. Being able to believe that I was fun and attractive and interesting meant that I could more easily believe Jennie wanted to be with me. Bascially it stifled the little doubts that cropped up from time-to-time. Made it easier for me to interpret tension on her part as not meaning she was at the end of her rope and ready to walk away.

You only get out of it what you put into it.

My own experience with therapy is that even that is optimistic...

Cognitive-behavioural therapy works if you actually try it with an open mind and put in full effort. It isn't sitting around for years talking about what the root of the problem is, the focus is "Here's where I am now, what can I do about it." The behavioural stuff changes how you do things and the cognitive stuff changes how you think about things. I found I made more improvements more quickly if I incorporated the techniques and beliefs into all of my life. Relegating it to 3 hours every Monday evening would have done absolutely nothing.

I saw the difference between people who were putting in the time and people who were actively working. One guy coasted along for the 1st month, doing his homework but not actually trying to change and nothing happened. He started actually trying and he made some of the most dramatic improvements of anyone. He was a non-believer in the power of therapy but the therapist convinced him to give his full effortfor a couple of weeks and once he saw the improvement, he was convinced.