SO's on LJ?

[jay]

My primary, Pat, now has her own LJ page (see patgreene). This should be interesting... will there be entries that we don't want the other to see (say, venting about the other)? Should we be on each others' friends list? I'd be interested if anyone reading this has experience/advice... this is my first SO that has had an LJ account. Although she seems a bit unsure about the medium, so far...

Comments

[rosefox]

I would certainly say you should be on each other's friends lists. I would also say that yes, there will probably be things you don't want each other to read, and that there's nothing wrong with that. Venting where the people you're venting about can't see or hear it can be exceedingly useful, as long as you use it as a tool to organize your thoughts and bring it up more calmly to those people later. If you find yourself wanting to keep a lot of secrets, that's an important thing to know, too.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Hmm. I would infer from that suggestion that venting is OK if done eyes-only, as a completely personal (no friend access) entry. Then later, after thoughts are better organized, the semi-rant can be re-written and re-posted. That would make sense...

[therealjae.livejournal.com]

Iain and I both have livejournals, and are not on each other's friends lists.

It's a bit of a weird situation because livejournal started out as something quite different to me than it tends to be to my wombat/alt.poly friends, and I still want to preserve what it was meant to be. Originally, it was a way of getting closer to a particular group of people at a particular time, and it's since become something like a mixture of that and a writing journal. When friends from other walks of life (very very other, to some extent) started adding me, I had to make a decision about who would be on my friends list if I didn't want to change the whole tone of my journal, and I finally decided on three criteria: people who a) are friends of mine, b) are readers of mine, and c) keep their own livejournals get added once they add me.

I've found myself really wishing the livejournal folks had decided to call the "friends" list something more neutral, because I'm certainly better friends with some of the people who aren't on my friends list than I am with some of the people who are. I'm not snubbing people; I'm simply trying to preserve the journal as the particular tool it was supposed to be rather than remaking it entirely.

-J

[geekchick]

I've found myself really wishing the livejournal folks had decided to call the "friends" list something more neutral

*vigorous nod of agreement* Yeah, what you said.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Hmm.. well, a given tool can be used in lots of different ways by different users. But in the original spirit, the livejournal "friends" list might have been better called a "participant's list" or "reader's list" since it really describes a quality other than the emotional ties to others online. Access-pressure has never been an issue for me, per se (grin), but I can see that in your position(s) straddling several online communities, it could be quite awkward at times.

By the way, do you have a title yet?

My title?

[therealjae.livejournal.com]

My title is "assistant professor". Though some of my friends refer to me as the Queen of Plot, and I think I prefer that one. ;-)

-J

Re: My title?

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

(pictures Jae as a Jane-Bondian secret agent...)

[geekchick]

But in the original spirit, the livejournal "friends" list might have been better called a "participant's list" or "reader's list" since it really describes a quality other than the emotional ties to others online.

A friend of someone on my friends list phrased it as "People whose journals I want to have automagically pop up in a big interspersed wodge because they've nearly always got something interesting to say" or PWJIWTHAPUIABIWBTNAGSITS for, er, short.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

*splutter* laughing... that's a good one, thanks!

And it's true... a given person might end up on someone's friends-list just because they write well, or journalistically have interesting things to say... of course, later those people might become actual friends, but that's a different issue ;-).

[fluzby.livejournal.com]

It's fairly easy to set up a friend's list minus one person. That way, you could have Pat on your friends list but still be able to vent without her seeing it.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Heh... one could refer to it as "friends-prime" or something ;-). To date, I've never made a non-public post on LiveJournal, so this is still hypothetical. But thanks...

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

You can set up custom friends lists and leave each other off for certain posts, if you want.

Of my partners, one has a journal and the other doesn't, but he knows he can look at my journal if he wants to, even the locked posts. Though I've vented here before, I would never discuss with him online anything that I won't discuss in person before, or very soon after I've said it here.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Though I've vented here before, I would never discuss with him online anything that I won't discuss in person before, or very soon after I've said it here.

Ah. There's a difference... I'm a bit envious of you, in the sense of being sufficiently in-synch with your partners that any vent-issues are likely to be discussed shortly before or after they pop into LJ pages. Conversely, I can easily imagine discussing online issues that might not be discussed with Pat for months or longer.... particularly issues that seem irreducible, or potentially explosive.

And she has told me several times over that she doesn't want to know any of the details of what I'm doing or have done when I'm with another partner in whatever social setting. But then sometimes she wants to know, at least if I'm going out on weekends (concert last week with J). But not if it is during the work day (e.g., lunch last Friday with L, seeing N during airport layovers). So I daily waver between worrying on one side if I'm giving her TMI, on the other side worrying if I'm being too secretive. It's a lot of work... and could complicate what I say on LJ. To date, my approach has been to be generally open here, and if Pat gets too much information for her comfort, then she doesn't have to read my entries...

[geekchick]

I have a couple of SOs who are on LJ, and we're each on the other's friends lists. Hasn't seemed to be a problem yet, although one of them really only has an account as far as I can tell in order to read friends-only posts. What I've done about entries which I may or may not want everyone on my list to see (it's not specifically because of my SOs) is set up a few friends groups with various subsets of my friends list so that I can get something out of my system and yet still limit who gets to read it.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Several people have now mentioned using subset friend's groups... a friend has a complete hierarchy of sub-groups defined. It hasn't been necessary for me (until now?) because I don't have lots of people requesting to be on my friends' list, but now it seems useful. Thanks...

On a side issue, I recently deleted two people from my list because they didn't add me to theirs, and nearly all of their entries were friends-only... after a couple of months, it is reasonable for me to take-the-hint and withdraw. (one of these folks had been reasonably responsive in a different forum, but oh, well...).

And I noticed the new username... so, you're "Virginia"? (grin)

[elynne.livejournal.com]

My entire household - SOs, SO'sSOs (Signifigant Other's Signifigant Others), and CNSO (Currently Nobody's Signifigant Other) - are on LJ. I have something like five or six different friends list, though I rarely use most of them. Uh... datapointing, or something, which I originally typoed as "datapoinging" - heh. :)

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Uh... datapointing, or something, which I originally typoed as "datapoinging" - heh. :)

(giggle) That's cute... :-)