I find myself wondering just how much data of people helping has been disregarded because it didn't fit your hypothesis, and how many people who would have helped you out did not because they didn't know you wanted or needed help (because they failed to poll and you weren't willing to interrupt, to use karenbynight's brilliant analogy). I don't think you can claim unbiased data or analysis here.
When I ask directly, it is usually out of desperation, and therefore I'm often asking for something large or difficult. Like asking my parents for an unofficial loan to help me make a down payment on this house, when the initial financing fell through. They had the resources... but didn't want to tap their retirement savings, even temporarily. I eventually found another way to finance it, at a one percent higher interest rate. Likewise, in smaller things... like rides to/from auto repair shops, say, unless it is directly on the other person's travel route. Or someone with lots of bike-repair experience being always too busy to help me repair mine.
My experience has been that I'd better never get seriously sick, need a short-term loan or ask for anything more personally demanding than picking up my laundry from the dry-cleaners...
Cumulative over 20 years with family, friends and colleagues. But very little from current associates, granted. The bike example was from someone on my LJ list... a couple of people have not been able to give rides. That's the extent of it with this group, other than asking for more social inclusion at times.
I'm reading this as "when I ask, if I get a negative response, I assume I should never ask again."
For me, asking is just that- a request. Not a requirement. Sometimes, the answer is no. Sometimes, when I'm asked, the answer is no. I expect that- I expect my friends to take care of themselves first, or honor other commitments. Them saying no, especially on things like needing a ride, or fixing a bike, is ok.
I can see situations where an unsupported no, from certain people, to specifically critical requests could be a problem. But thise are going to be far, few between, and generally involve pre-negotiated relationships.
That makes sense. And most of my requests come about with either designated-role strangers (airline agents, say) or in relationships, and are as few as I can manage, historically. I have a problem adjusting to asking friends... no is always acceptable. Even expected, actually ;-).
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jay
no subject
Date: 2004-04-21 08:32 am (UTC)I find myself wondering just how much data of people helping has been disregarded because it didn't fit your hypothesis, and how many people who would have helped you out did not because they didn't know you wanted or needed help (because they failed to poll and you weren't willing to interrupt, to use
no subject
Date: 2004-04-24 11:29 pm (UTC)My experience has been that I'd better never get seriously sick, need a short-term loan or ask for anything more personally demanding than picking up my laundry from the dry-cleaners...
no subject
Date: 2004-04-24 11:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-25 12:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-27 12:21 am (UTC)For me, asking is just that- a request. Not a requirement. Sometimes, the answer is no. Sometimes, when I'm asked, the answer is no. I expect that- I expect my friends to take care of themselves first, or honor other commitments. Them saying no, especially on things like needing a ride, or fixing a bike, is ok.
I can see situations where an unsupported no, from certain people, to specifically critical requests could be a problem. But thise are going to be far, few between, and generally involve pre-negotiated relationships.
no subject
Date: 2004-05-01 06:45 am (UTC)