disengagement?

[jay]

To withdraw from some local communities and circles, or not... that question seems pressing, right now. It could be self-defeating. But better to walk away than to stand around on various peripheries, feeling excluded and unwanted. Whining and fuming is unattractive and internally unhealthy, in the longer term. I suppose that I have to assess the likelihood of future non-peripheral participation vs. the emotional risks of waiting...

Comments

[mhw.livejournal.com]

Saying "I'm feeling somewhat isolated" isn't whining. You shouldn't have to fume - just express how you're feeling; very often people will have had no idea how you've felt, and change their behaviour to you when they do know.

*hugs*s

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Hmm... my experience has been that once people know how I've felt, they'll change their behavior... but to withdraw, thereby exacerbating the issue and triggering a negative cycle. So I have an incentive to hide those feelings, until they build up and some leak out.

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

I'd recommend against withdrawing, but of course it's up to you. I think you'd just be feeding the negative cycle. The problem, as always, is that you don't think you're worth being around. You're wrong, but no one outside of you will ever be able to convince you otherwise. It must come from within.

[coyote3502.livejournal.com]

Echoing Dawn, I've been dealing with some of the same feelings of frustration. I've found that I became "worth being around" when I started becoming more comfortable and accepting of who I am. When I started loving myself, others started loving me. When stopped seeking approval, it seemed to be suddenly granted. People started to se *me*, not my mask.

You're still right up there, close to the top of my "Very Cool People I Know" list. :)

[griffen.livejournal.com]

What they said, and I've had similar experiences to those of coyote3502.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Thanks, and I suspect that you'd be happy to see me -- if you didn't live 400 miles away (wry grin).

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

Same here. I used to be an introvert, too.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Sort of "build self-acceptance, and they will come?" (smile)

I'm clearly an extrovert -- seeking crowds, gaining energy from gatherings -- I'm just really bad at socializing, I think. Something like that.

In local poly communities, I'm less integrated than others in part (IMO) because I've not dated anyone locally, just LDRs.

Yes

[tenacious-snail.livejournal.com]

If you build it, they will come.

And, um, (cough).

Re: Yes

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure I agree... I fully expect that I'd do that work, reach some kind of self-acceptance, and no one else would care a whit. Let alone approach. However, maybe I wouldn't care anymore...

(cough) speaking of LDRs...

Re: Yes

[tenacious-snail.livejournal.com]

On self-acceptance: I think about my journey around adoption and reunion, and my search for my birth parents. I set a goal of either finding them or resolving my questions that made me want to search within a particular time line. The resolution happened. Several years later, I found them and met them. I wish you similar success in your journey.

And should I understand that 45 miles is an LDR while 129 is not?

Re: Yes

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Thanks. You've struggled with much... I have less optimism, as there's no one for me to find.

45 miles is currently an LDR, functionally... 124 miles to Cloverdale is overtly an LDR. And while that person is connected to groups and people who are closer to me than 124 miles, she has not tried to integrate us. One of the reasons behind a past breakup there, actually. I don't do well if any partner of mine is connected in ways that don't welcome (or at least tolerate) me as well.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

I don't feel like a very cool person... more like a mascot. Someone invited to large public events so I can be pointed out and put on display. ("Look, there's our token rocket scientist... see how diverse we are?") But not invited over casually to just hang out, or to more private gatherings where others would actually interact at less than arms-length, and I could put my own masks aside. Undoubtedly much of this is my fault... and the best way to be invited is to first invite friends over myself. (Doesn't help that I have a small house and most of my friends live outside the South Bay...).

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Well... you may have placed me highly on one list, but you didn't invite me to last weekend's gathering... seems inconsistent. That was one of the inputs that I've been dwelling on, since returning home.

Something you need to understand about that party

[deedeebythebay.livejournal.com]

When I made up the guest list I chose people that we have been in that kind of setting with before who we know really well. I've met you in person, maybe three times, all at large gatherings. Yes, inviting you to a party would mean I/we'd get to know you better. But to invite you to an intimate sex party in a very small space when I don't know you that well is inconsistent for me.

That was not a slight against you. That was careful choosing for me to maintain security for myself and those attending with people we've engaged with before. Granted some may have attended such kinds of parties with you themselves but neither *I* nor *coyote3502* had. We *do* understand that feeling of wanting to be at regular parties. We aren't on the S&P list, but we also understand the circumstances, so I hope you can understand these.

I know you're on the Wine and Song list. If you're on our friends list, you can see it. I haven't seen you respond to coming to that party yet.

Re: Something you need to understand about that party

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Underlying, it really wasn't about this specific situation -- I looked at it as symptomatic of a larger ongoing pattern of mine, and this example got to be the stalking-horse. Even if you'd invited me here, frankly, I wouldn't have been able to attend (for several reasons ;). I wasn't in a good emotional space in recent days to look at social interactions -- sorry for jumping on you guys.

I will be out of town for the next W&S on Saturday, but plan on going to the next one when I'm here. Assuming that you guys are OK with that, of course... (wry grin).

Even if you aren't, which would be understandable, I've still got shattercones to get to you somehow, probably after the move. :)

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

The external inputs I get tend to reinforce that others are usually happy to have me around in large, public contexts, but (with a few exceptions that you're aware of) not in more private social spaces. That, plus possible strains via the intersection of certain social groups with a given new relationship, lead me to trade likely discomfort (from staying on the periphery) vs. the possibility of opportunities for personal growth. Both have pros and cons... but it boils down to whether or not to take action now in response to both current feelings and hypothetical future issues with others, or to wait and see...

[weirdodragoncat.livejournal.com]

I don't even know you that well and I think you're a worthwhile person. Please don't withdraw from the community.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Thanks... it's as much of a cost-benefit assessment as anything. Likelihood of discomfort in staying engaged, vs. lack of opportunities and growth otherwise (or time and energy to find new friends and communities).

[vokzal.livejournal.com]

Maybe these communities are no good to begin with. Or maybe it is just your self-perception. Or maybe you should take someone with you. (We should meet up again!)

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

For most people in them, I'm sure they're fine. But I'm not in the middle of any of them... and I'm tired of being peripheral and feeling left out, and at the same time don't see how I can change my relative position.

Lots of people came to my birthday party, for example, but won't make time for lunch with me -- outside the motivation of their *other* friends being present.

And we should definitely meet up again, hopefully before I go off to more field work in Spain next month...