return to therapy

[jay]

After a one-month absence. A 2.5-hour session... <lj user = "patgreene> was just back from her trip and faded. Room for cautious optimism... we pretty much have figured out what's underlying the repeated upsets between Pat and I, and have a general agreement on a direction to proceed. It will require both Pat and I to look out for each other's interest as well as our own, and to reach consensus rather than just deciding things unilaterally. Otherwise... a bit to my surprise, I discovered that much of my crankiness and feelings of worthlessness and depression appear to be tied to the sexual abuse meme, and feelings raised back to the surface by my reply to my parents a couple of days ago. I've needed help over the past couple of days, but have been afraid to ask for it.

Comments

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

we pretty much have figured out what's underlying the repeated upsets between Pat and I, and have a general agreement on a direction to proceed. It will require both Pat and I to look out for each other's interest as well as our own, and to reach consensus rather than just deciding things unilaterally.

That's pretty important. Congratulations for getting there.

I discovered that much of my crankiness and feelings of worthlessness and depression appear to be tied to the sexual abuse meme, and feelings raised back to the surface by my reply to my parents a couple of days ago. I've needed help over the past couple of days, but have been afraid to ask for it.

I know a couple of other people who are still sort of "recovering" from that couple of days. I'll bet you have lots of company there.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Thanks. We still have a lot of work to do in the details, and shaping that into some kind of relationship agreement. But it was very good to be able to identify the underlying problem... not just over recent months, but over years and several relationship cycles. An insight that (incidentally) came to Pat suddenly while I was on Devon.

sexual abuse meme fallout

[tenacious-snail.livejournal.com]

When I told my mother about having been molested, I wrote her a letter which would arrive while I was at a conference full of supportive people. I took a wonderful walk in a grotto outside of Portland, with several friends, and then went to call my mom. I got the kind of response from my mother that I had hoped for and had asked for, but even so, it took lots and lots of support to feel comfortable and not jump out of my skin with anxiety.

I am glad that you could identify the sexual abuse meme and your mother's response as a source of your feelings. And hope that you're now able to ask for the help that you need (I'm guessing that offers of help will be forthcoming, and that just posting this will make you more aware that there are, in fact, people who would be happy to help if only they knew how.

And Mary is right about you having company there-- I am still sorta awash in the "being romantically involved with survivors of sexual violence" part and how and where that plays out-- in one case, more on the physical end of things, and the other (for various reasons) it seems to be more on the emotional end of things.

Re: sexual abuse meme fallout

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

I thought I needed no support to post about the past. Am historically very reluctant to ask for help, even for just someone to listen, unless in a full-blown crisis. Being helped still is associated in my head with dependency and weakness, and hence to be avoided as much as possible. This is all tied to the reaction I'd get as a kid when I'd ask my parents, particularly my father, for help with the attacks on me at school. Or even for sympathy there... being called a crybaby and weak for asking for help if I'd been punched-out or pelted with rocks or thrown in the creek. Little wonder that I didn't go to them after either sexually-abusive episode.

I've gotten no response back from them from last week. And little support, your call aside. My feeble attempt to ask for help on Tuesday "I think I need a hand" was only met with criticism both on LJ and by a sweetie in IM offline... just like I would have expected from my parents, 20 years ago. It does not lead me to expect any constructive support from friends or community or partners. I have to deal with my own anxiety and emptiness, maybe with Pat's support if I'm lucky.

Is there anything, conversely, that I can do to help you talk things through regarding being awash in your own delayed reactions?



I don't expect offers of help to be forthcoming, though...

Re: sexual abuse meme fallout

[vokzal.livejournal.com]

Hey, I'm free on Friday after 2pm. Shall we meet up? I'll even leave the bookstore!

Re: sexual abuse meme fallout

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

I can't get away from work tomorrow afternoon -- a set of proposals (that I've been run-ragged by JL regarding, at times) is due then. Maybe after the 20th, when I'm back from vacation?

Re: dinner

[vokzal.livejournal.com]

Hell, evening works. I'm working at the store tommorrow, but would be free after. So maybe it doesn't work very well. When do you leave? Otherwise, after the 20th is fine. btw, tell your lovely lady i don't have her email. Or give her my phone #.

Re: dinner

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Early Saturday, so I'll be packing Friday night. :-|

I'll tell her, although I think it is also on her LJ info page?

(hug)

Re: sexual abuse meme fallout

[who-is-she.livejournal.com]

I think I didn't realize you were feeling quite this badly.
My machine has been acting up.. but you know you can always "ping" me on IM, and you are welcome to.

I'm planning on seeing you soon.
:)

Re: sexual abuse meme fallout

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Yeah, the past few days have scraped. But I'm looking forward to seeing you and loitl soon.

Re: sexual abuse meme fallout

[scarlet1.livejournal.com]

I don't understand. Response to what? Did you send us a letter? I did respond to your "coming out with the information of the abuse", via e-mail. I am devastated by what happened to you and am so very sorry I wasn't a better parent. I just really didn't have any idea as to the extent of the physical abuse and absolutely none as to the sexual abuse. I think you know how much we love you and as parents even today, want to protect you. Obviously we failed in the past. But, please know that whatever I can do now to support you in any way I'm eager to try to amend a little the wrongs of the past. I love you and hold you as precious to me. You as must know I would give anything to undo the past for you. But I can not. I will have to live with my failure as a parent and the hurt I have caused you. As a parent yourself, you must realize how painful that is to me, as I always thought I had done a good job. I want to help you. Please let me know what I can do to help you mend the hurt.