(no subject)

[jay]

Borrowed from a friend...


"If I believe that I am unworthy of being loved, then I can prevent my feelings of total devastation when I am rejected."

Yes, that's it exactly. Rules to live by. But I think if one lets go of those defenses, every oncoming rejection would be like being the proverbial deer in the headlights.

I needed to prove myself to the world in order to have value, in order to be worthy of love.

Check. Over-achievement at work, external praise, competency outside. Then see if it wins anyone's favor. Another fundamental SOP. Doesn't work in the personal realm because there's no way to prove myself worthy, no awards or merit badges. (ref: my Jekyll/Hyde thread 2 weeks ago)

Thanks to circusscreamer for the quotes (and stimulus of these insights)...

Comments

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

But at the core of her revelation was that these beliefs were damaging to her.

Yes, exactly. She was doing Depth Oriented Brief Therapy at the time. These statements are the "emotional truth" underlying these counter-productive behaviors. The initial belief ("I am unworthy") is held as a way of staving off the imagined consequences ("I'll be devastated when rejected"). But it becomes clear as you say this out loud how ultimately ridiculous that is as a path to safety. Obviously, believing oneself unworthy does NOT prevent the feelings of devastation when the seemingly-inevitable rejection does come. If anything, it intensifies them.

If you are interested in doing DOBT for yourself, I would highly recommend Bruce Ecker, who literally wrote the book on it. He's in Oakland, and can be reached by calling 510-452-2820x2. The essence of DOBT is that profound change is available from the very moment you walk in the office (as opposed to "traditional" therapies where one can often spend a year "developing a relationship" with the therapist before one achieves anything of substance). As such, you only make one appointment at a time, deciding at the end of each one if you need to come back. He has evening and weekend hours, too.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

They seem like emotional truth, certainly. Intellectually, I can verbally tell myself that I have value, that I've accomplished much, that I have many talents and skills... but it just doesn't take root. At a gut-level, some core emotional response has been burned deeply, as though branded with a hot iron. Sure, the easy thing would be to tell myself and everyone else that of course I have value, am worthy of love and affection, etc. And at some level I believe it. But underneath, at the level of deep emotional responses, I still believe otherwise. Internal contradiction between the cortex and limbic system, perhaps.

believing oneself unworthy does NOT prevent the feelings of devastation

not prevent, but in my experience they become more manageable when there's a reason -- when I can rationalize why these things are happening. It's somehow less threatening to my core self.

And thanks for the reference, that sounds perfect :-).

[geekchick]

in my experience they become more manageable when there's a reason -- when I can rationalize why these things are happening. It's somehow less threatening to my core self.

Wow. I understand wanting to rationalize, but saying that your feelings of unworthiness as a rationalization are less threatening or hurtful just seems completely backward to me. How is "I'm not worthy of anything other than rejection" less threatening to your core self than thinking "it could just be a mismatch of wants/needs/scheduling availability and has nothing to do with whether I'm a lovable person or not", which is something you don't really seem to be taking into account? For me, thinking that someone's rejected me because of who I am (which is what I think follows from the "I'm not worthy of being loved or accepted" idea) is much more damaging than assuming that it might just be because they don't want to have an LDR, or because I will only ever have Wednesday nights free and the only open spot on their calendar for the next three years is Friday mornings, or because they're going out for an evening to do something that I don't particularly enjoy. (Example: I wouldn't be hurt if someone didn't ask me to go out dancing with them, since I've said often that it's not something that I find all that fun.) Granted, I'm simplifying a lot and rambling, but hopefully you see where I was trying to go with this. My point, when I had one... ;)

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

They would probably be less threatening because they mean there's a *reason* behind what happens -- even if the reason is in fact unreasonable.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

It's less threatening because it is familiar, accepted, part of the scenery. And rationalizing that I'm OK, but that instead the world is broken and unfair... it feels safer to assume that the world is basically fair and reasonable, and therefore if bad things happen to me, it's because I must have deserved them. Or earned them. Because then I can convince myself that if I just strive hard enough, am ethical and unselfish, and am sufficiently well-behaved toward others, then bad things won't happen to me.

Not that there aren't lots of cases of tragedies striking undeserving folks... these are just my internal feelings and structures, they aren't necessarily logical.

But if the world is basically arbitrary and unfair, then no amount of striving or good behavior will help me... then I would feel absolutely vulnerable, helpless, lacking control over myself. I might as well become a hedonistic beach bum and wait for the inevitable... eating, drinking, and being merry, because I'd be helpless otherwise.

So, if I'm unworthy and unlovable, then any rejections and bad things are what I deserve, the world is therefore fair and reasonable, and I can then maintain the illusion of control over myself and my greater circumstances.

*That's* why I'm reluctant to change my personal outlook, if I go deep. That, and the potential embarrassment if I've really gotten things that wrong for that many years... I might have to disappear.

[geekchick]

Thanks for unpacking that for me. Okay, I can see how that follows for you, especially with things you've said earlier about your preference for feeling like you're in control.

That, and the potential embarrassment if I've really gotten things that wrong for that many years... I might have to disappear.

This part, however, I'm not sure I follow. Why would you feel like you had to disappear?

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

If I've thrown away decades -- if I thought that I was *that* much of a lifetime f&*kup -- I'd be too embarrassed to face my friends or partners in the future. And would have suddenly recognized the existence of a mammoth debt-owed to them for putting up with me previously, one that I couldn't hope to ever repay. Life would be pretty bleak, then...

[trinker.livejournal.com]

Perhaps you might find it ironic or something rather than just mean if I say that I find this logic -- I'd rather keep doing what I'm doing, even if I think it might be wrong, because at least then I can pretend it's okay -- to be a bit of...well, "NASA-thinking".

If what you're doing is broken, what good is continuing to do it rather than stopping it as soon as you realize it's a broken paradigm?

Why do good things, be a productive person, in search of some sort of external validation rather than the satisfaction it brings yourself?

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

(grin) I appreciate the irony...

If one is not sure that it's a broken paradigm, but fears that it might be broken, what does one do in the meanwhile?

In the NASA analogy, there are old-guard engineers or managers who realize that their time is past, that they're technically obsolete or incapable of untwisting the convoluted political strands... after a screwup, they retire, opening up leadership positions for new people with more energy and newer ideas and fresher backgrounds. In a personal sense, if one has screwed up one's life, there's no way to retire from life, save suicide. So hunkering-down and continuing becomes preferable...

Why do good things, be a productive person, in search of some sort of external validation rather than the satisfaction it brings yourself?

Because I don't value or trust my own emotional responses very much... external validation is far more important to me.