Outside the village...

[jay]

I'm frankly envious of parents with community support... for example, dawnd and akienm are able to find a series of sitters for Allegra so that they could go to a weekend workshop in LA. Without having to, say, fly in Dawn's mother from back East... it's great for them, and I think they'll add a lot to that workshop. But I know that I couldn't do the same thing, and that Pat and I are pretty much on our own as far as child-raising goes... no net, here. When crises have hit, my only option has been to fly in one or the other grandmothers for a while, and/or take vacation time and stay home as well.

Still, that's a natural consequence of not being a part of any particular community, other than sort of tolerated on the fringes... I have only myself to reproach, arguably, for not giving enough or conforming sufficiently.

Comments

One of the many fears I have...

[samtosha.livejournal.com]

regarding if and or when we move is that I will be away from my support group of chosen family and biological family. When I moved here, I only knew my parents and in 8 years I have manifested and created an amazing chosen family. I know that I will be able to do it the next place we move, it just scares me. You are not alone in how you feel.

[bdot.livejournal.com]

the fact that they have one child and you have three should be taken into consideration here! if they had three...particularily one with a special need, then maybe it wouldn't be so easy for them to find sitters!!!!

i don't think we (being myself and the rest of the greater poly community) consider you and pat on the "finges" of our community. do you? because if you do, then maybe you should consider working on that perception!!!!

[tenacious-snail.livejournal.com]

um, its also a consequence of having three times as many children and living in a house where you don't host a lot of community events.

Speaking for myself, I don't offer to sit for kids until I have gotten an opportunity to know them. I have not, for example, offered to babysit for anyone other than y'all (but I did help other friends find sitters), as there aren't any kids that I've met more than twice.

I suspect that you *could* manage to arrange childcare through using your friends, though it might take more effort, again, because of the volume of kids (and 6 year age range). You might, for instance, have James spend the night with a friend one night, while a sitter came over for Kevin and David. I know Dawn has expressed a willingness to have Kevin stay over there, and that both Sarah and Dana have expressed a willingness to sit for your kids (as have I).

Helping to chisel away at the *outsider* bubble...

[frankenboob.livejournal.com]

you're just as likely to find a weekend babysitter (from the St. Ned's community) as I am. I don't think anyone there is jumping at the chance to take on extra kids... except Jen. :) And I suspect even she has hit her limit. The Nelsons flew in a grandparent when they were out in Virginia... I know it was difficult for them to find someone who would take 2 children. (I offered to take Ella -- for keeps.) :) It's tough finding a babysitter, period.

[p3aches.livejournal.com]

i ofer to trade kid sitting. and that seems to really work. hugs T

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

Nothing I could say here that others, especially tenacious_snail, haven't already said for me.

[deedeebythebay.livejournal.com]

*sigh*

Look, coyote3520 and I have a difficult time finding sitters also.

We also have three kids like you do. You have to take that into consideration.

And, *ahem*, I don't know you that well but I've read your journal for quite some time now and I'm going to be very direct with you. Please don't take it with anger or as anger. There is care woven in here right with the bluntness.

Stop. Stop complaining about something that everyone keeps telling you isn't so. Your friends are telling you they are your friends and not tolerating you and you keep throwing that compassion and care and friendship back in their faces by telling them you are only tolerated.

If you keep it up, it will be "only tolerated". Open you home up to friends and keep it friends. Don't worry about being poly and finding partners, make friends. Plan events to the park or a kid friendly place and then invite the world along. Stop sitting there complaining about how you never get out, never get to know people, never get to do anything and get out there and make it happen.

Don't assume I don't know what it is like for you. I have a musician husband who is more poly than I am. It has been a struggle for me as I'm guessing it has been for Pat. We have three kids. Papa is often gone at rehearsals and concerts. BUT, we divide the work evenly at home, we make sure we take care of each other first and we actively create space in which we can get out or have people in without always having to exclude our kids. The kids are a part of our lives, as parents.

I know this may seem harsh and I don't mean it to seem so. But sometimes I just feel like I have to go ahead and be blunt with someone and this "feels" like that time.

I was glad you guys came last time to Wine & Song. Remember, it *is* a kid friendly event. Yes, after a certain time, nudity occurs. If we know this is a problem for a family, we hold it till about 9/9:30/10 and then warn people that it about to become "that time". If you have a child with special needs, all we ask is that if it is the kind of thing that can impact other kids, that you keep an eye on the situation. Busy Family brings their kids. bdot brings her daughter. Our girls are here. mertuil has been told she can come and bring her kids.

Want to stop being on the fringers, stop putting yourself there.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I can't speak to the whole "community" thing, because frankly I don't expect anyone in a "community" to be there for me in a meaningful way. But I can certainly understand the feeling of having no support network. I would perhaps think my parents might be there for me, but they are 3000 miles away. (Plus my mother has told me in no uncertain terms that she raised one brood and she sure ain't going to be a free babysitter for someone else's. Gee Ma. Surprised I haven't given you that oh-so-wanted grandchild yet?)

Many things are a lot more scary when you know no one's going to pull your fat out of the fire but you. Retirement. Surgery. Kids. I don't have children, but I think I know what you mean about going it alone.

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

I've been part of two families (one as a kid, one as a latecoming-parent) which had trouble finding babysitters. I saw two causes. One, the kids were particularly challenging. Two, the family got into a habit of not having babysitters, which meant that if the parents wanted to do something special, they didn't have an on-call list of people who'd already watched their kids for an hour on an ordinary night, and also the kids weren't accustomed to behaving appropriately with a babysitter. I know that it can seem not worth the trouble to break in babysitters and kids for ordinary times, but in hindsight I wish I'd insisted that we get babysitters more often so that we kept up the list of who to call and felt okay calling them (and I wish my parents had too). When you feel so 'swamped' that you can't afford the ensuing chaos and disruption after one bad babysitter night, then you're unlikely to take the risks of extending the network.

I also like the idea of encouraging the oldest one to go out while you hire someone to stay with the younger ones, or to experiment with other combinations (such as taking one kid to run errands and see if the other two can cope on their own).

Are you (or is Pat) at all involved with a community of parents of special-needs kids? That might be the most productive place to network about finding additional babysitting, either by trading hours / setting up a co-op or by exchanging references for suitable adults to hire.

It's silly to reproach yourself for the situation with your church community. If you ever do have a family crisis and ask for help, you might be surprised how much help you get from that direction as well as others.

Babysitters

[dancing-star.livejournal.com]

Brian,

My household has 4 children. Yes we make it places without our children. Often this means ONE of us stays home. We seldom go out as 3 adults and no children. We also have the added benifit that we've got housemates who are family who we can ask to watch our kids.

When I've put out needing babysitters a few times, only once did someone step forward and take the two children that needed to be watched. We often divide the kids when we go out.

Often I can find things for one or two of the children, but not all four. I'm home without transportation now, with both my partners working, and B who lives with us working full time. That means that weekday trips for all of us are pretty much not going to happen.

Brian, from everything I've read in your LJ and in the talking we've done, your not on the fringe of the community, unless you put yourself there. People want you and Pat to come to come to events. Maybe what you need to do is find events which you can bring your boys too.

Everyone I know with kids have problems finding babysitters.
Try seeing if you can divide your kids some for sleep overs at friends houses, just remember that next week you may be hosting the kids, your not alone.