*crash*

[jay]

Well, my generally-good mood lately had to end sometime... in this case, I managed to have both my jealousy and exclusion buttons pressed in a 5-minute period at the beginning of a gathering, and I spent most of the rest of the evening away by myself sulking (and dozing) outdoors. Sigh. My issues, and not constructive. patgreene actually thought I was upset at her... not so.

The gathering itself was overcrowded, and I had to sit out in the hallway... feeling peripheral and unimportant and unwanted. Getting there sooner would have helped, but we had to feed our kids and it is a long drive...

Time to pack now, I have a 5am pickup....

Comments

[dancing-star.livejournal.com]

I am sure you where wanted and very important to some at the gathering. *hugs* I think a good thing to keep in mind is that how we feel and precieve certin things is a choice.

[archway.livejournal.com]

Suggestions.
If there is a party/gathering, don't just go to it with a bag full of expectations. Get involved with the dirty work. Help in the kitchen. Look quietly for moments where an extra set of hands would be good. Check with the hosts about a week early and find out what help they could use. (You don't live in the South so you might actually get a task or two.) Don't wait to be entertained or wooed.
If time is an issue, (which admittedly it often is) bring a gift and make sure there are at least 2 people you have a real connection with that will be there. It is even better if at least one of those is as shy as you might feel.
Go to smaller gatherings.
Stop trying to do hook-ups. We are grown. Singles bars or the current equivilent only really work in the movies.
Make a list of the social times you really felt good. Take note of all the things they had in common. If the event you are planning to attend has less than half of those, don't go.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the suggestions :). Granted, at a discussion group some of these aren't applicable (it wasn't *that* kind of discussion group (giggle))... and I knew at least a third of the people there, several with whom I feel very close (ordinarily...). But getting there earlier and helping in setup would have at least given me early dibs on a place to sit. (nods)

[tenacious-snail.livejournal.com]

well, there *is* the irony of getting your jealousy too triggered to participate in a jealousy discussion.

But (kiss), at least your sweeties got to participate in the discussion and do some good stuff with each other that will have a trickle-down benefit to you.

Should I take this as an advance request to save three seats together, so that Pat can have the back support she needs and you can have the included-and-wanted feeling and I can have some snuggling-with-beloved?

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

(nods) at some detached, meta-level I thought that irony was really amusing, even while I was cranky at the time...

Actually, I'd sent an IM last night (too late, I expect) requesting just that ;). Being consigned to the outer darkness (well, the dining room doorway) scrapes.

[tenacious-snail.livejournal.com]

I got the IM, as you suspected, too late. I had volunteered to do set up duty because of Dawn's girl scout commitment, so I was actually alrealdy at HW when you wrote.

The additional irony being that I thought to myself "now, what communication, if any, could avoid circumstances like this in the future?" And, in fact, you'd already made the request, I just hadn't known it.

Lots of good intentions all around, but suboptimal execution. Blah.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

(shrug) stuff happens. No one was arrested, killed or injured, so it's ok...

Choice

[p3aches.livejournal.com]

Brian, you are at choice 100% of the time.During this event what could you have choosen differently? Asking for your 100% seems like a better way to have gone. Hugs T

Re: Choice

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

But I *did* choose... since I couldn't clearly hear what was going on, or make eye contact with most of the other attendees, I left. Other than to return periodically and glance in to see if things had changed, or grab one of patgreene's brownies.

Re: Choice

[p3aches.livejournal.com]

Brian,
Given your comments about feeling unwanted and excluded, your choice to to leave and periodically check back does not seemed to have served you. So I'm wondering how you might choose not to stay excluded next time. At support group when someone comes and is outside the circle, an example of how the person gets their 100% about being/feeling included is by asking "is there anyone in the circle willing to double up?". On many occassions this is a suggestion made by the person facilitating the support group as well.

I've been to discussion groups at HW and I've often seen people double up, as long as somebody asked.

I'm not trying to chastise you for your choice, just trying to give you an example of another way to have chosen, and to possibly have gotten closer to your 100%.

Lots of hugs,
T

Re: Choice

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Hmmm... what do you mean by "double up"? I can imagine 2-on-1 in an exercise, but not two on a single-seat chair or floor pillow...

[enchantedwahine.livejournal.com]

Some times it seems the only way to have a place to sit at a HW gathering is to make a puppy pile on the floor. Im all for that. You are welcome to plop in my pile. If we work it we can all have sweeties in the pile.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the welcome (smile). I'm still a bit bashful to just make a pile, or assert myself in those social situations, but I'll remember.

[tenacious-snail.livejournal.com]

w00t

I like this. If there is a Jay-and-Anna-containing pile, I am *so* there. And in addition to my beloved, I'm likely to be able to find one of the sweeties that I share with Anna nearby. Snuggly friend and my beloved are certainly enough to make my day, but hey, I'll take more if it is offered.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Well... I don't think she meant it quite *that* way, just that she wouldn't shrink away if I sat down on the floor next to her.

[tenacious-snail.livejournal.com]

I'm not quite sure what you thought I thought she was saying, but I was imagining something where you, enchantedwahine and I were all in easy arm reach and that would be likely to include head scritches, foot rubs, and the random affectionate squeeze. In addition, I'd get a kiss or two from you, and nose wiggles from polydreamz or akienm if they were around.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

... what you said, up to "easy arm reach" (but nothing more implied).