jay | A strange feeling...

A strange feeling...

A sweetie of mine today sent me an email. "...since you don't like to ask for help, I thought I'd ask for some as a way to generate ideas."

And she posted a question. And received a warm and supportive response, from her friends, who naturally assumed that it was something of concern to her. And there were, in fact, some useful ideas there for me.

It's a strange feeling watching the difference in responses over there, though, compared to the kinds of responses, or lack thereof, over here when I ask for advice. I can't help but wonder how it would have been different if I'd directly posted exactly the same question in my own journal. Some people would not have replied, certainly. Others I feel would have been less likely to offer their comments or help. And there's a nagging feeling that I would have been somehow "made to be wrong" or criticized if I'd opened myself up in exactly the same way.

Still, this was a loving and supportive act on my sweetie's part, even if I feel a bit sheepish... would these people have been as helpful if they'd known?

Threaded | Flat

She is clearly quite loving and supportive-- you said it yourself. Is she more warm and supportive to her friends online than you are to yours? I don't know any of you at all really-- online a little bit only. I'm just putting the idea out there.

A few weeks ago I ended up alone in a car with a co-worker who was fussing about another co-worker and she said something like this "It's not fair-- he never picks me for projects-- I don't think he even considers me. I hate working with him!!"

And I said, "Is there any chance that he senses your feelings for him and doesn't consider you because of them?" She didn't say much at that point, but came back a few days later and said that what I said had really helped.

She didn't realize it, but she felt very hurt over past slights and took a defensive posture in dealings with him which probably pushed him away before he even had a chance to consider her.

So I'm asking you the hard question-- have you been warm and supportive when these people have posted about concerns of their own? Maybe they don't yet know how to be warm and supportive with you-- but she has taught them how to be warm and supportive with her.

You can de-friend me now if you want :) :) but I would miss reading about your diverse extended family of friends. And the ice skating.

I think the question is, would you have been as open to being helped if they had known?

People react differently to those who are open to advice and help than to those who say over and over again that they can't ask for help or accept it when it's offered. After a while, offering help or advice to the second sort of person wears you out, and you stop trying because your help and advice get thrown back in your face like they're crap.

It's true, of course, that whatever it is was a concern of hers, because she's concerned about you.

FWIW, I would have offered the same response with a couple of additions regarding work (since I find mine so rewarding and I suspect you may as well.)

I would always help you when I can.

Anyone else who gives less than good.... should be cut from your friends list. You deserve only love and goodness around you.

If I had known, I would have been more likely to reply.

I would have said something like, When I'm feeling down and insecure, I need to get out of the house, talk to people who aren't in my regular circuit. I find that positive interactions with total strangers are more reassuring than with folks I know. Folks I know have a vested interest in being nice to me, strangers don't.

I have some thoughts on why there might seem to be differences in reactions. If you're interested, let me know.

I'd have given the same advice if you'd asked me directly. Actually, I remember something else I probably should have added, which I'll add now -- more information is good. It's always easier to become insecure as a consequence of a series of unknowns than it is as a consequence of a series of knowns.

I am not, by nature, someone who tends to get involved in flame wars. I have my opinions, of course, but I never seek to hurt anyone with them. My even inadvertently hurting someone hurts me even harder, it's just not something I ever, ever like doing. In fact, it was this tendency of mine that led me to quit the business world, age 35, and to go back and do a PhD as a mature student. I just hit a point when I couldn't do it any more -- having to be hard, even nasty, to survive in business just wasn't something I could make myself do consistently enough to actually be successful. I'm very glad to have put that behind me, and (despite fairly regular offers since then), I've had a policy of turning down offers to participate in startups, even though I could potentially earn a huge amount of money if they were successful. Honestly, I earn enough to get by, I don't need that pain any more.

Basically, deep down, I just want to be happy, and have the people around me happy, and the people around *them* happy. I have maybe a bit too much tendency to try to help people for my own good (my current situation is a direct consequence of that, and please believe me when I say that your offers of help mean a lot to me), but to be honest, I like me the way I am, and if that means my getting taken for a ride occasionally then so be it. I cope with adversity basically by making contingency plans, as I said over at

tenacious_snail's LJ, because through that, I can convince myself that I am OK with (or at least have some kind of response ready for) all eventualities.

I study martial arts, as I think you know, and I've signed up to do Impact. My reasons for this are actually because I'm nonviolent, and prefer to keep it that way. Having some ability to defend myself has been necessary, to a significant extent, for me to get over some PTSD issues that lurked from my past. It's worked -- the flashbacks hardly ever happen now. I'm also much fitter and thirty pounds lighter over the last six months. I've never had to use martial arts for-real, outside the dojo, and sincerely hope that I never have to. Oddly, though I'd not expected to, I did find that I actually find it really enjoyable in both a physical and in a geeky kind of way -- it pushes a lot of the same buttons for me in that respect as yacht racing did for me in my late teens.

Anyway, I've probably blathered on long enough now. :-)

Lots of folks have said lots of good stuff.My only suggestion is repost the question and see what your results are. What I see you doing in this post is making an effort to accept peoples suggestions from a place of love and caring rather then an attack. Love and hugs T

As one of her friends who responded (and who would not have responded had you asked directly, because I don't know you and don't usually read your journal), I'm glad that you found some useful ideas (whether or not my response was one of them).

I hope that you continue to receive the help you want in ways that work for you & yours.

I think part of my reaction (you had made this post before I got to the original question post)to how I would react to you asking this question is that I would have some trepidation. There are multiple people in this world, including some of my children, who I resist giving advice to about most things. Sometimes I feel as if it sets me up for a fight in which I am forced to defend my thoughts and point of view while the other person is on the offensive.

In the past, you were one of those people, if not to me, then to others. I enjoy being around you, I enjoy interactions with you, and if you were to ask me personally or let me know that I was on a filter with people you felt were capable of giving you advice, I would be happy to comment. However, general posts in your journal create situations where you might feel attacked by me or others in your journal and that makes me feel uncomfortable.

Now, when I feel like I am "less than" and "not worth it" I go online and find a poem or prayer that reaffirms my self-worth. Then I print it out and read it every day before I leave my house for the day. After a while, it really becomes internalized. It helps. :) (hugs)

Something I wrote several years ago that might show what I am talking about http://thats-ms-dragon.livejournal.com/86874.html

Threaded | Flat

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject